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I think … well, I think entirely too much – this, I believe, we’ve established. But I think that yes, I am drawn to the dramatic, to the bittersweetness of life’s journeys. There’s something about that taste of a raindrop upon your tongue that brings a memory to mind, the faces that hover like ghosts in the gray skies, and the highs of low emotions that call to me, and claim me as their own.
So many are often spouting their positive platitudes to me, extolling the benefits of “moving on,” or “getting over it.” It holds absolutely no appeal to me, for if I were to do so, it means letting go, and I’m not good with letting go. Change has never been a friend to me – a hello inevitably leads to a goodbye. Goodbyes bring about sadness, and the irony here is my beauty, my soul, my heart is driven by my sadnesses.
How do I … why? would I… turn that off, change that part of me? The moments that strike me as meaningful are those of reflection, of remembrance. May it be laughter, longing, lust or loneliness – it is all kept within the attic that is my mind. A treasure trove of melancholy.
My husband says he doesn’t like it when I’m sad, therefore at times has difficulties reading the words I write. I can understand that, I don’t like when he is sad either. I don’t like to see anyone I love sad. Don’t like to have my heart broken, either, but it does happen. Right now I’m thinking of someone who has broken my heart. Someone I believed in. And right now I’m feeling like a little girl standing alone on the playground with a chilly wind blowing through me, having just been told that Santa Claus is a big fat fake. I’ve discovered that the gift of friendship he’d given has turned into just another empty box with pretty wrapping, and I was drawn in by the ribbons and bows of it.
The poinsettia has always been a favorite flower of mine. The hearty richness of color and sturdiness of the plant in the winter, despite its need for warmth, is a reflection of this life that I’ve survived.
Many of my friends don’t understand my fascination with the world online. They can’t surmise why I will while away hours of my lifetime talking to people I will never meet, why I want to look up friends that I haven’t seen or heard from in decades. It is for reasons such as this: when a name pops up on my screen that I haven’t yet deleted from my contact list, alerting me to their presence and bringing tears that have no place in my eyes, it can immediately be washed away by a joke on my Facebook wall, from an old friend whom I haven’t seen in twenty-five years.
Thanks, Angie, your hugs reach from ten thousand miles away. You are a reminder that goodbyes sometimes lead to a hello again. I miss you all most at Christmastime. Empty boxes catch the eye beneath a quietly twinkling tree, but the stockings full of love are the first thing the child in us reach for.
“Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.” - Truvy Jones
© Kymberlie Ingalls,
November 29, 2010
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